Why Porn is Awesome

            Everyone has had those nights. I’ve had them. You’ve had them. We all have. Those lonely nights where you sit alone in your chair, scratching yourself wearing just your underwear, the only light coming from the glow of the television as you watch Wheel of Fortune. And after a while you get bored, and you think to yourself, ‘You know, I could really go for watching a two Mexican midgets lick whipped cream off a donkey.’ And when this happens, there’s only one thing that can help you. Stephen Spielberg didn’t direct it. It didn’t win any Academy Awards. It didn’t show in any theaters, at least not in any that don’t have sticky floors. It’s porn.

            Pornography is far and away the greatest type of film ever invented. Not only can it satisfy a person sexually, but it can also entertain in other ways. Watching a porno film in which these well-endowed actors and voluptuous actresses horrifically try to act out a “plot” about as complex as toasting a Pop Tart is nothing short of comical. My friend and I recently had the pleasure- no pun intended- of viewing a hilarious movie on Cinemax in which a surprisingly attractive female police officer went undercover at a strip club to catch a crazy stripper killer. Happens all the time, I’m sure. At the police headquarters, all the cops had Macintosh computers on their otherwise empty desks circa the 18^th century, which weren’t even plugged in anywhere. Then again, they didn’t really have much use for the computers, seeing as how they couldn’t stop performing coital acts with each other the entire film. The point of watching it was not to be aroused. It was to laugh. It was funny like any horrible movie is. I’m sure you’ve all seen a movie that’s just so bad it’s good.

            Another way pornography can be entertaining are the numerous films which have titles spoofing real Hollywood movie titles. You won’t see Matt Damon or Will Smith in Tea Bagger Vance, but at least when you watch it you won’t be wondering how a black man in the South in 1930 can go the entire time without accosted because of his race. Little Oral Annie is a wonderful, uplifting film the entire family can enjoy. Hung Wankenstein sounds like it has the potential to be as funny as the Gene Wilder movie it’s based on, albeit in a different way. Ally McFeal is sure to be better than its counterpart, since the women featured in this version don’t look like a skeleton. And if you’ve ever thought Batman’s loyal sidekick was gay, Bat Dude and Throbin is the one for you. Aside from these, there are a seemingly infinite amount of other great titles, such as Buffy the Vampire Layer, Edward Penishands, How Granny Got Her Groove Back, Miracle on 69^th Street, and White Men Can’t Hump.

            The great thing about pornography, unlike every other kind of movie out there, is that there’s something for everyone. Whether you’re into soft-core, hardcore, amateur, gay, lesbian, group, fetish, S&M, bondage, she male, Asian, black, interracial, pregnant, elderly, or good ol’ midget porn, you’re sure to find something to your liking. And if you don’t have access to any such materials, call me. I’ll do anything for the right price.